Live at 25: Batchelor Ted

In celebration of Ted's birthday last week...

Live at 25: Batchelor Ted

Oh, I’m one of the men who’ve made 3ABN
A place of great fame and renown.
I dash off on the fly to repair things (or try)
Like the uplink whenever it’s down.

Our audience base is all over the place.
We have groupies wherever we go,
Though from what I can gauge, they’ve an average age
Of 77 or so.

Every day of the week, what I face is unique
But the day that I turned 25
Was the strangest of all—it’s when I got the call
To stand in for Doug Batchelor, live.

Now, Doug Batchelor’s great but that night he was late
At Pioneer Memorial Church.
Dwight Nelson and crew did the things that they do
And then I was left in the lurch.

Since the center stage mike had a noise I don’t like,
I was out there adjusting the sound,
When I happened to see Danny Sheldon, and he
Was frantically jumping around.

“I am sick with the flu,” Danny whispered, “so you
Go and stand there and stall for some time.”
That’s how bachelor Ted became Batchelor instead
Without any reason or rhyme.

There was nowhere to hide, so I swallowed my pride.
I looked out and I tried to be brave.
“What would Batchelor do?” I thought hard, then I knew—
He would talk about life in that cave.

So I gave a brave grin and I started right in
And I spoke about guano and bugs.
When my cave tales ran low, then I told what I know
Batchelor-like, of the evil of drugs.

But of course, what I knew of the drugs people do
Was basically Advil and such,
So I just warned them all to beware Tylenol
And Aspirin and Aleve, do not touch.

Well, I reached that whole crowd, and I preached good and loud,
(Several satellite dishes got broke)
Never felt more alive than at age 25
When I channeled Doug Batchelor and spoke.

When at last he walked in and looked up with a grin,
I just stopped and I sat down right then.
He was wearing a smile you could see for a mile
And he said very simply, Amen!

Oh, I’m one of the men who’ve made 3ABN
A place of great fame and renown.
I dash off on the fly to repair things (or try)
Like the uplink whenever it’s down.

Our audience base is all over the place.
And to all of our fan clubs, I say,
If you’re granted one wish, buy a (strong) satellite dish
Cuz you may get to hear me one day.